It’s time to talk about it…
I shared this on social media over the weekend. I’ve been reflecting on so much as the anniversary of my Freedom Day approached. (This last Saturday):
Sixteen years ago today. My freedom day.💪🏻 A day I have more or less kept quiet about over the years. I didn’t really plan on talking about it here, but the truth is, there would be no Sonder without my entire journey happening as it did. Sonder is very much the result of part of me healing in big ways. Trigger Warnings⚠️ Ab*se and S.A. mentioned.You see, it wasn’t JUST my freedom from *him* that I fled for 16 years ago. Although, at the time, I was convinced that it was all him. My anger was unfairly concentrated that way. There were plenty of wrongs, yes. But neither of us was perfect. He’s since acknowledged things and made them right. I appreciate that. I have as well. Instead, I think it was my freedom from the systems I was trapped in that I was seeking the most. The systems that groomed me, then preyed upon me. Not just myself, but so many around me, as well. So many more from circles closely related to my own.😔 He and I? We were both so young and ignorant. We were both in the same high-control/ high-demand religion. Raised within it, but very different life experiences. We were both doing the best we knew how with what we had. The pressure once we were engaged and then married? It felt nearly crushing at times. What did I appreciate the most from him? He was counseled by *the* leader in our church that he should just r*pe me and it would fix any problems within the marriage.💔😢 (Yes, he used that word.) My ex was stunned. I was as well. I’m forever grateful that he didn’t even consider it to be an option. I was also grateful when I realized that he was just as upset by the thought as I was. Many others weren’t so “lucky.”💔 We were groomed to accept it without question. Unfortunately for them, I’m the inquisitive type. The real issues were with those (like this particular leader) who used their positions of authority for complete ab*se, power, and manipulation. There were plenty of them. It’s sickening when you start to realize the sheer number. Even more sickening? The lengths that are taken to cover it up. I was directly in the path of several of these “men” over the years. I was very closely, but not directly affected by many, many more as I dedicated my whole life to serving. There were constant whispers of ab*se of all kinds, especially regarding various prominent leaders. These cases would typically get pinned on the victim. They’d be shamed. The predator would get a slap on the wrist, at best, and they would keep preying on the innocent. The behavior would be swept away with typical r*pe culture reasoning. “She was asking for it.” Or “You know how men are wired.” It was neatly packaged as “purity culture.” Another thing I continue to heal from. Something that many continue to heal from. ❗Did you know that 94-98% of ALL people who come forward are telling the truth?! Even scarier?! Only 52% of victims come forward in the first place. 😔 Church leadership brushing all of it under the rug when someone is brave enough to come forward is so damaging! And yes, there were plenty of leaders in my life that were *NOT* this way at all. I love them deeply. ❤️ We may not see eye to eye on beliefs anymore, but we can embrace and accept each other where we are at. I’m so grateful for that. 🥰 To be clear: I do NOT have a problem with people having spiritual beliefs that are important to them. I DO have a problem when those beliefs are used as a means to cause harm. (Which they often have been.) I have a problem with the systems that oppress. The fact of the matter is, sixteen years ago, I stood up and walked away from him AND from an entire village that I’d known and treasured my whole life. A system that continued to hurt me and so many others. I could no longer stay.
It was a place that held memories so dear AND a place that held shame and fear.
It has not been until more recent years that I’ve been able to work through the layers of ab*se that existed, ab*se that I was subjected to. I have been working on growing and unlearning some unhealthy stuff while trying to replace it with healthier. One massive thing for me was believing that I am unworthy. Unworthy of *anything* good.I assumed myself incapable of nearly everything. Sixteen years ago, I proved myself wrong in such BIG ways!! I didn’t recognize it then. In fact, I impulsively shamed myself. In the sixteen years to follow, I’ve continued to prove myself wrong about being incapable of nearly everything. Instead, I’m learning just how capable I really am.) Sonder is a result of MAJOR growth and untangling all of this. It’s me embracing that I am capable, I am strong, I am intelligent, I am gifted, and I am worthy. 💪🏻🙌🏻🔥
Do I struggle to remember that at all times? YES! 😊
But I’m a work in progress. And I’m proud to be progressing.
If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. This month is a big one for many, myself included.
I share in hopes that my story may validate someone else’s who is still living in fear. That it might bring hope and awareness. That it might encourage those who have walked similar paths.
If it seems like I operate WAY outside the box all the time, I do!!! Haha. This is me. I have stepped outside of the box and I have refused to be stuffed back in it ever since. 📦 To all who’ve been through their own situations, past or present, nothing but solidarity and peace to you. You’re stronger and braver than you realize. 💪🏻 To our allies, thank you. Your role is bigger than you might think. ❤️
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